The Diary of Adrian Richard-Hitler
by bookwormgirlLH
Summary: Ade thinks he's a normal boy, but how can he be when his parents are Richie Richard and Eddie Hitler. The prologue sets the scene, but after that you can follow a week in the Richard-Hitler house through Ade's eyes. What will his teacher think when she reads his homework project? Eddie/Richie.
1. prologue

prologue

Eddie was watching Emmerdale Farm on the telly with Richie's head on his chest, when it happened - Richie asked the strangest question Eddie thought he had ever heard.

"Eddie?" Richie asked him, sounding slightly nervous, for he knew Eddie tended to get violent when he spoke during Emmerdale Farm. "Have you ever wanted to have a baby?"

"What?" Eddie replied in disbelief, beginning to laugh at wait had to be a joke.

"I'm being serious, Eddie." Richie said indignantly, and Eddie's smile was quickly replaced by a look of confusion.

"Well, I've never really thought about it." Eddie thought aloud. Of course, when he was a teenager, he had thought about what would happen if his girlfriends had got pregnant, but since coming out, he had stopped thinking about having kids, for the obvious reason, "I know you're practically a girl, Richie, but you do know you can't get pregnant, don't you?" He asked patronisingly, making Richie raise his eyebrows at him.

"Of course I know that!" Richie sighed in exasperation. "But if you did want a family, we could adopt, you know."

Eddie was still puzzled. "Why all the baby talk, Rich? Are you getting broody?" He joked.

"Oh ha, ha." Richie said sarcastically. "If you're not going to take me seriously, just forget it." He stood up and stomped into the kitchen, flicking his hair out of his eyes and folding his arms huffily, waiting.

"Oh, for God's sake, Rich, stop sulking like a sixteen year old girl and grow up!" Eddie called across the room as he caught sight of the scowl written on Richie's face.

For the rest of the evening, they both ignored each other, so, obviously, nothing more was said on the subject. It wasn't until they were in bed that night, Richie facing away from Eddie and making to attempt to curl up with him, that Eddie returned to the subject of children.

"Do you think I'd make a good dad, Rich?" Eddie asked.

"No." Richie replied truthfully. "But you could learn not to get pissed all the time and not swear so much."

"Well, I think you could make a good mum-"

"Why would I be the mum?" Richie cried indignantly.

Switching on the light, Eddie shook his head in disbelief. "Just look at yourself, Richie." Was all he said in response, gesturing to Richie's rather long hair and girly pyjamas. "Anyway," He continued. "I think you would make a good MUM," He put extra emphasis on the word just to annoy Richie. "If you spent more time doing the housework and less time studying the art book."

Richie glared at Eddie. "Are you accusing me of masturbating?"

Staring straight into Richie's eyes, all Eddie said was, "_Yes."_ Grinning, Eddie rolled over and fell asleep instantly, leaving Richie thinking over their discussion and wondering if he would ever be a mother.

* * *

It was decided the next day that they would try to adopt a baby; Eddie agreeing to the idea made Richie squeal so loudly that his boyfriend had to hit him over the head with the frying pan to shut him up.

But it wasn't easy. The first agency they tried hung up the moment Richie said they were a same-sex couple; upon visiting the second one in person, Richie got them thrown out for calling the clearly homophobic staff 'Bloody thugs.' But it seemed to be third time lucky: the woman had continued to speak to Eddie - who was now in charge of the phone calls - after he explained their situation, and they soon found themselves on a train to Southampton, to meet the adoption agency staff in person. For the whole journey, Richie wouldn't shut up, and Eddie had got dangerously close to throwing him out of the window - but luckily for Richie, the train arrived at the station before Eddie had taken to smashing the window (he had discovered that windows on trains don't open far enough to throw a person out, and wasn't very happy about it.).

As they walked into the agency and took a seat in the waiting room, Eddie couldn't help feeling really weird - what was he doing in a place like this? But he kept quiet, and soon found himself, along with Richie, in a consultation room.

He soon realized that this was the first of many meetings. They had to meet different people, fill out countless forms and spend hour after hour having these chats about being 'ready' to care for children. But when they had finally been approved, they managed to get to the interesting bit - picking a baby.

Sophie, the care worker they had been working with, took Richie and Eddie to a care Home that specialised in under five year olds, and showed them around. Most of the toddlers didn't like them, they were either scared of the funny faces Richie pulled at them, or, strangely, Eddie's bald head, but, just when Richie was beginning to freak out, they found one.

A boy, who, according to Sophie, was three years old - even though he looked much younger - was playing on his own in the corner, making no attempt to talk to the other children.

"Hello, Ade." Sophie said, crouching down beside him. Ade, who wore NHS glasses and had soft blonde hair, smiled nervously at her, his thumb in his mouth, glancing up at the two men stood behind her. He thought they looked nice, ig a bit weird, because he had never seen men holding hands before. "This is Richie and this is Eddie," Sophie pointed to them both in turn, Richie smiling and Eddie nodding in response. Ade waved at them with his free hand. "And they want to adopt. Do you like them?"

Ade nodded slightly, but looked incredibly apprehensive. "Will they hit me like Daddy did?" He asked Sophie, voice muffled by his thumb.

Sophie turned to Richie and Eddie, both looking shocked by what they had just heard, and explained that Ade had been taken away from his parents because his father used to physically and mentally abuse the boy. "Of course not, Ade, I told you that no one would ever hit you again." She said firmly, hugging the boy tightly. After they both said hello to Ade, Richie and Eddie followed Sophie back to her office.

"We'll have him." Richie babbled, squeezing Eddie's hand ad he nodded in agreement. It took several months of more meetings and more paperwork, but, eventually, Ade left the Home to begin his new life with Richie and Eddie, not realising how living with them was going to make him completely different to any other kid his age.


	2. Monday

The Diary of Adrian Richard-Hitler.

Monday

My name is Adrian Richard-Hitler and I am five years old. I have something called Autism so I'll probably write down everything that happens to me, because I have to do everything in real detail, for some reason. I don't usually write a diary but Mrs Wright said we had to write a diary for a week as a homework project. Anyway, I live with parents in Hammersmith, London and I love them.

My Mummy is called Richie, and he is thirty five years old. He has collar length light brown hair and blue eyes, and stays at home to do the cooking and cleaning. He always comes to pick me up after school, and he sometimes forgets to take off his apron, which is very funny. Sometimes, he gets very grumpy with Daddy when he gets home late, but I think they make up because they go to bed and bounce on their bed, and sound like they are having fun. I'm not allowed to, but Mummy told me he'd tell me why they were bouncing on the bed when I'm older, and he went really red when he said it - Daddy just laughed at him. I've noticed at home time that everyone else's mummys look different to my mummy, but he says it doesn't matter. I love my Mummy because he always looks after me and it is very funny when he tells Daddy off for saying naughty things.

My Daddy is called Eddie and he is thirty six years old. He is bald and wears what he calls 'Shitty NHS glasses', and goes out to work every day. I'm not sure what he does, but he gets his dole - whatever that is - once a month, which Mummy uses to buy food for us, so he must work really hard. Daddy likes to drink something called Malibu, he let me try it once and it was horrible, but Mummy slapped him for letting me drink it. He usually goes out with his friends called Spudgun and Dave Hedgehog - they are really nice even though they have weird names. Spudgun gives me piggyback rides and Dave always calls me Eddie, even though he knows I'm called Adrian, which is very funny. But Mummy gets upset when he gets home so late, and he is often so clumsy that he falls into things and wakes me up. But I love my Daddy because he is very funny and lets me get away with being naughty when Mummy would usually tell me off.

Anyway, this morning I woke up to a loud thud and heard Mummy yell 'Bollocks!' - I don't know what it means but I think its a a bad word - and when I got up I saw he had fallen down the stairs. He was okay though. We then had breakfast: Daddy had 'Richie's fry up' as Mummy calls it, and he told Mummy it was disgusting, so Mummy hit him - they were joking though because I could see they were smiling; I had a bowl of Coco Pops and some orange juice; and Mummy just had some juice because he thinks he's fat and is on a diet. When Mummy decided he didn't want the orange juice - he said it was too full of calories, whatever they are - Daddy asked,

"Can I drink your juice?"

Mummy raised his eyebrows in disgust and said, "Not in front of Ade, you pervert."

Daddy shook his head, smiling like he thought Mummy was an idiot, "Your orange juice, you fool." Mummy sighed and flicked his hair out of his eyes, and nodded, letting Daddy drink the juice. When he had finished, Daddy said, "There isn't always a double entendre behind what I say, Richie." He grinned and tapped Mummy on the nose before giving him a kiss. He gave me a cuddle, and told me to have a good day at school. He put on his hat, and left the house.

Mummy then began clearing our leftovers away and sent me upstairs to get dressed for school. But the only clean shirt I could find had a burn mark in the shape of an iron on the back. I put it on anyway, and then pulled my jumper over my head, deciding to just keep my jumper on all day to hide the mark. I don't like ties but our school makes us wear them, so I have to wear one of Mummy's or Daddy's ties to school, because I don't have my own one. Well, I did, but I got too close to Harold the Ironmonger's dog, and it ate it. Daddy kicked the dog, and it sort of got run over, but he said that the dog deserved it for attacking me. Anyway, I went into my parents room to look for a tie, but I couldn't find one in Mummy's cupboard and had to look in Daddy's instead. I found a tie, but also found a little square packet, and took it downstairs with me to find out what it was.

After Mummy tied the tie for me, I showed him the packet and asked him what was in it. He went very red and said he would tell me when I was older, and stuffed it into his pocket. Then he walked me to school and gave me a hug goodby.

At the moment we are learning about families, so we spent the morning drawing pictures of our families, and the afternoon showing them to the class. When I said my Mummy was called Richie, Mrs Wright raised her eyebrows at me, and the other kids thought it was weird, but they didn't say anything mean. Then Mrs Wright set our homework project and asked to speak to me when the bell went. She told me to get my dad, even though I told her he's my mum, not my dad, and I went to get him. He looked very worried when she looked at him.

"This is my Mummy, Miss." I said, and he shook hands with her.

"Are you married, Mr..." Her voice tailed off.

Mummy looked very red again. "Richard. Me and my partner Eddie Hitler - hence Ade's surname - have a civil partnership." I didn't understand what he was talking about.

"I see." Mrs Wright said.

"If you're going to say anything horrible bout it, then just mind your own business, you old bag, because we're fine as we are, aren't we, Ade?" He said aggressively, and I nodded.

"Get out of my school, now!" Mrs Wright snapped. "I like Ade, he's a clever boy, but I never want to see you, or your _boyfriend, _again!"

Mummy stuck his fingers up at miss, and we left. He was really angry, but didn't hit me like my old Daddy used to do.

We're back at home now and Mummy is cooking tea. He looks upset and I think he's been crying. I don't understand why Mrs Wright was so mean to him, I love Mummy and Daddy. He's just told me I've got to eat now, so I have to stop.

I'm in bed now, and Daddy has got home really early for him. I can hear Mummy yelling about miss at school. I think this is the first time that I have realised that my family isn't normal. But Mummy and Daddy have just said goodnight, and I know that I love them even if Mrs Wright doesn't.


End file.
